30: Chapter 11: The Return of the Pimp, or Wimp, hmm, let's stick to King

Huo was surprised to see that the Tarnianians survived the onslaught when his party returned from the gathering of wood and fruits.

“How did…”

“No time for that now Huo, you have any medics among your troops? I have a casualty here.”

“Medic?”

“Yes, you know…the guy you go to when you’re sick…and he touches you here and there, and then he gives you some rat poison and you get well after that.” Jun rolled his eyes.

“Oh! We call them physicians.”

“You can call them prostitutes, or wanzhens, if you want to, just get me one.”

Huo nodded and doubled back to his encampment. Jun shook his head as the thin figure disappeared from his sight, he started to wonder if letting them tag along had been the right choice at all. Minutes later Huo came back with another scrawny old man of the same build, except that the newcomer had a white beard which stretches all the way down to his knees, three deep strokes of wrinkles ran across his forehead and one could only feel that much wisdom is stored in those immensely deep cracks.

“M’lord, my name is Hua Tuo, umm….where is the casualty?” The old man broke the awkward silence. Jun jumped a little, he shuddered at the thought that he had been staring at another man’s forehead in amazement. Hardly an appropriate way for a king to behave

Jun led the man and Huo to one of the Tarnianian tents and beckoned Hua to enter, while he and Huo stood waiting outside.

The tent was pretty much empty inside, except for Joo lying down in the middle and a basin filled with murky liquid beside him. Hua knelt down beside Joo, “And what problem might we be having here, young man?”

“Ugh…can’t you tell?” groaned a disgruntled Joo, “I’m sick for Ming’s sake!”

Hua said nothing but took Joo’s left hand and took his pulse. “Well, I see nothing wrong with you!”

Joo frowned, “Well, I’m really sick! Look at that basin over there, I vommi---”

“You washed your feet in that?” Hua interrupted.

Joo shifted uneasily, “Ho…how did you know?”

“Well…” Hua stated with an as-a-matter-of-fact tone, “First, your feet are clean, and there’re dead foot-bugs floating on the surface.” He looked delighted in his little triumph over a Luelin, and then he decided to inflict some real pain on him, both as a reward and as a punishment.

“Well, on a second thought, your illness is grave indeed…”

“Really? You can tell? How grave is it? How many days of medical leave will I get?” Joo’s eyes beamed with a gleam of hope, images of him reaching the gates of Tarniania, reaching the gate to his house, reaching his dining table laid with roasted chicken and steamed fish flashed in his mind.

“Well.” Joo thought he heard Hua chuckle as he began to speak, “Maybe…none! For you will need bone scraping! Yes, bone scraping, just like the legendary General Guan.”

Huo’s eyes seemed to flash an evil red as a near petrified Joo recalled the legend in which the Great General Guan had poison scrapped off his bone while playing chess, without any anesthetics!

“Umm…I think you got it wrong, doc, actually, I feel alright now…” Joo tried to get up but pressed himself back against the ground as Hua turned to face him holding the largest saw Joo had ever seen.

“Wait!” Joo muttered as Hua advanced onto him, “Umm…actually it’s my hair that’s hurting, you wanna work on the hair instead?”

“Uh-uh, doesn’t work that way my boy, we have to do it to the bone, now, if you’ll stay still…” Hua drew an ‘X’ on Joo’s left arm.

“W…wa…wait! You wanna umm…re-diagnose? You never know…” Joo tried his best to force a friendly smile; he would have swung a punch had he not known better than to trifle with a deranged physician holding a saw.

“Nope, trust the physician, which is...me,don't worry, it won’t hurt at all...well..maybe just a teeny weeny bit.” Hua had a sick smile plastered on his face as Joo felt cold steel against his skin.

“WAIT!” Joo screamed, Hua paused and raised an eyebrow, “Any last words? I mean…is there a problem?”

“Yes! Umm, you mind reaching into my pocket? Yeah; something inside is making me twitch won’t do good to have me twitching while you’re stitching eh?”

“Well, I never meant to stitch anyway, but oh well, let’s see what’s inside…hmm...yeah…oh…it’s…hard…you naughty little boy, how’d you know I like it hard?”

“Well, I umm..guessed?”

Hua placed the saw onto the floor and the other hand which reached into Joo’s pocket grabbed the hard object tight, “Yes, I like the feeling of this, ah...it's long...hmm, if only there's a bed on the otherside, hmm..can this be considered one? Hmm, I guess it'll make do...”

“Indeed.” Nodded Joo, relieved, “it doesn’t stay hard for long though, gets soft during the colder days.”

“Well, can I have a look at it then?”

“Sure, be careful though, it’s…delicate…”

“Aye, I will, I will!” Hua agreed hurriedly as he pulled a trembling hand out of Joo’s pocket. As he released his grasp it revealed a gold coin the size of a nutmeg, with the picture of a long seahorse carved on one side and a bed on the other. Hua held it up close to his eyes and examined it with rediscovered youth and energy. “Well, it looks like your illness does need another diagnosis….A ‘male seahorse brand bed’ coin, oh my, look how exquisite and fluffy the bed looks…”

“Well, you know what to say to the King when you go out there.” Joo winked, as he leaned back onto his mattress, faking a groan.

Hua slid the coin into his shirt pocket and left the tent.

An anxious Jun ran up to Hua as he emerged from the tent and grabbed him by the shoulders, “How is he? Is it serious?”

Hua had a grave look on his face, the wrinkles seemed deeper than before, “It is pepsicolacocacolasasisprillakicapoorootbeerorangetomatojuice, my King, and it is CONTAGIOUS.”

Jun’s eye widened at the last word and pulled Hua a few steps away from the tent, then whispered, “Prescription?”

Hua shook his head, “I’m afraid there’s nothing I can do, M’lord, only way he can survive is by sending him back to Tarniania where more able medical aid can be rendered to him.”

Jun placed his hands on Hua’s shoulders, “No, I can’t risk letting him spread that dreaded disease to the rest of the Tarnianians, I say we put him to sleep, doc.”

Hua felt for the precious gold coin in his shirt pocket with his left hand, “Well, m’lord, I’m sorry I hadn’t made myself clear, the disease is only contagious for two days, after which the victim will have a high fever running for two weeks.” Hua tried to look grim.

“How queer, but I guess we have no choice…” Jun sighed and shouted into the tent, “Joo of the Luelin house, you’ve been a brave warrior and servant of Tarniania, but you are in no condition to continue the fight, I thus order you to return to Tarniania and pass our stories down should we not be able to return to tell them.”

“But, m’lord, I want to stay and fight! I can’t just leave like that!” Joo had never found happiness so hard to hide as he scrambled around in the tent packing his stuff.

“No, I insi---” Jun raised an eyebrow as Joo came out of the tent with all his gear packed and ready to set off. “Now that was fast.”

And Joo set off without any delay, the farewell was brief, very brief, almost too brief to be considered a farewell. But Joo was eager to leave, and the Tarnianians weren’t exactly keen to spend anymore time with a victim of some weird disease.