30 - Chapter 5: The Tarnianian Bastille

Darker than night and smellier than ogre stool, the Tarnianian bastille is not a place anyone would consider spending the night in.

Immediate execution was, unsurprisingly the most preferred punishment in Tarniania, according to a survey conducted by Chancellor Li on fifty inmates. He was lucky, had he been a day late; there wouldn’t be fifty, as an average of seven inmates kill themselves everyday.

As grotesque as the bastille might be, it had its worth. As criminals who were strong and tough enough to complete at least two years of sentence in the bastille would be released into the Tarnianian army and instantly promoted to commander status as they went through in the bastille would make any battlefield seem like teletubby land, but such cases were extremely rare. In the entire Tarnianian history, only one had made it out of the bastille alive. One.

History may soon be rewritten though, as another stood strong. The Tarnianian bastille wasn’t a very big place. The only entrance lay just outside the castle gates, a small but sturdy iron door guarded by knights of the purple flower, Tarniania’s secret elite force which banner flew directly under Holy Knight Anderson’s command.

It needed the knights of the purple flower to guard it not because it’s of high importance, but more for the fact that the door weighed the same as four pregnant elephants, thus earning it the name, ‘the door as heavy as four pregnant elephants’.

And only those selected to be knights of the purple flower had the strength, or rather, the knowledge of the location of the secret trapdoor which led to the same stairs.

The four knights of the purple flower standing guard at the door as heavy as four pregnant elephants stood engarde as a figure emerged from the midnight fog.

“Password.” The squad leader challenged the approaching figure.

“I’m so hot.” Came the reply.

“How hot?” The squad leader issued the second half of the challenge.

“The sexy kind of hot.” One could only feel that the air around them would’ve died if they had life. There is no doubt about the identity of the visitor.

The guards sheathed their weapons and cupped their palms in front of the faces – a unique form of salute which Anderson’s army practiced.

“Greetings, Holy Knight.”

“Hello. You may recover, open the door please, there is someone I must visit.”

“Purple Hibiscus, go get the rest of the purple flowers, we need to open the door.” The squad leader issued an order to the shortest knight.

“Aye aye, Purple Orchid, on my way.”

“Holy Knight, just a question….” Purple Orchid turned to ask Anderson as Purple Hibiscus sped off.

“Go on.”

“What’s the rational behind the weight of this door? Isn’t it a little….unpractical having it weigh as heavy as four pregnant elephants?”

“Mmm?” Anderson raised an eyebrow, not that anyone could see him do that behind that helmet he donned, but he raised it nevertheless. “I never knew it weight that much, the last time I went in it only took a scrawny old man to open it.”

“You went in before?” It was Purple Orchid’s turn to raise an eyebrow.

“Oops…Hmm...I never said that, do not put words in my mouth, squad leader. Well…..it’s that heavy because…hmm…..oh, now I remember, it’s the hinges!!”

“What about them?”

“Well….the door’s been here since the birth of Tarniania you know, and we’ve never really had an imperial door hinge rust remover…..so…”

“Oh dear, but everyone thinks the door really weighs that much, even the historians, oh dear oh dear, our descendants are going to get all the facts wrong!!!”

“Ahh…no worries, I’ll suggest to King Jun tomorrow to promote some cleaner to the title of imperial door hinge rust remover.”

“That is very kind of you M’lord. Our workload will be much lighter this way.”

“Well, you’re even kinder; imagine how much we will save without having to pay your salaries now that you’re not needed…”

Purple Orchid paled.

Minutes later, Purple Hibiscus brought another four knights of the purple flower to the door. Together, the eight knights pulled open the door and Anderson stepped in. He didn’t need a torch as he knew this place better than his own home, as he had once called this place home.

It wasn’t difficult for Anderson to find Phin, no one could mistake that scream of pain when Anderson planted his iron greaves into what he thought was a stack of hay.

“Oh, you’re here, cool. Let’s get going.” Anderson grabbed Phin, who was clutching his groin in pain by the collar and dragged him out of the bastille. And Phin became the second man ever to leave the bastille alive.