30 - Chapter 10: Rise of The Gaylord

Battle horns sounded before daybreak, Jun scrambled out of his tent and rushed to the asshole. He peered through to the other side, he could not believe what he saw, twice the amount of troops they saw on the shore the day before were marching towards the asshole, and would reach it by noon. Jun rubbed his eyes and looked towards the Indigo Sea; faint silhouettes of ships in the distant shores were visible. The storm only destroyed half of the Frankian reinforcements, the other half had arrived in the night. Jun scurried over to Li’s tent, picked a huge rock up and flung it onto the tent.

Nothing.

“Wake up, Chancellor.”

Still nothing.

“Hey look! Fresh salmon!”

A head shot out of the tent, “Where?”

“There.” Jun pointed to the asshole.

Licking his lips, Li got up to his feet and dashed to the asshole. He let out a soft whimper when he saw what he saw, then turned back and returned to Jun on fours.

“Wake the troops, we’re at war.”

“Jun, any battle plans? My men are ready” Huo came up to Jun as the Tarnianians took their positions behind the barricades.

“Well, can we have salmon for dinner tonight? And that Hulk guy looks like he can chop trees easily, and fruits, yes, you have that tall guy, he can gather fruits…I’m getting hungry already.”

“You mock us! Jun” Huo knocked the ground with the base of his rake, “You want the salmon pan-fried? Or deep-fried.”

“Raw for Chancellor Li, pan-fried for the rest.” With that, Jun dismissed Huo and his troops, who he had always deemed would hinder his plans.

“Tarnianians, fall in! Hold the asshole!"

The Tarnianians fell in into a compact unit, with shields high up and spears pointing to the front, and they waited.

The approaching of the Frankians could be faintly heard where the Tarnianians stood, sweat trickled down the foreheads into their eyes – an extremely irritating occurrence, and the Tarnianians stood, twitching and wincing their faces, trying hard not to move much as they looked cool in that formation. The rumbling got louder and louder, small stones rolled down the scaly walls and the ground shook, soon, the first of the Frankian soldiers came into sight as they charged in from the other side of the asshole. As the first Frankian emerged on their side of the asshole, spears pierced through his body, and the next, and the next, but they kept coming.

“Push!” screamed Jun.

And the Tarnianians pushed, they tried pushing, but they realized that they would eventually be overrun, “fall back, fall back!” Jun screamed as the Frankians pounded on the Tarnianians shields, threatening to break them the very next instant. The Tarnianians ran back fast, and never looked back. Only one remained on the battlefield. And the Frankian troops surrounded him. The fleeing Tarnianians stopped in their tracks when they realized they were not being pursued.

“Robi! Shuunpo out! Quick!” Li shouted.

“Fool! Li, that’s devilry, only death gods know how to Shuunpo! All we can do now is pray that the valiant Robi dies an inviolated death.” Jun shook his head.

The Frankians slowly gathered around Robi and crept towards him slowly, like a viper closing in on his pray, like a pig trotting towards the corn in the mud. Still, Robi stood unfazed by the danger before him. There was no hope for him, none could save him save divine intervention. Then, the unexpected happened; the Frankian troops tossed their weapons onto the ground, and knelt down in front of Robi.

“Hail to the great Gaylord Robi, we are under your command.” The Frankians chant in unison.

Robi folded his arms and grinned, “Well, my loyal ones, for now, smooch and be merry. And once we’re merry, we must not tarry, and gather some berry, so that we won’t look so scary, then we’ll hurry, back to Frankie, and make him sticky!”

“All hail Gaylord Robi! All Hail Gaylord Robi! All Hail Gaylord Robi!” The Frankians cheered with joy and starting making out on the spot. Robi turned and winked at the frightened Tarnianians, who wondered what scary thoughts Robi had when he swallowed the magic bean.

After the intense lovemaking by the Frankians and torment for the watching Tarnianians, the Frankians began their march back to the Frankian camps, naked. Robi had ordered them to make Frankie sticky by the simplest means possible (and yellowish/whitish if possible) and to kill themselves after that.

The Tarnianians cheered as the final buttcrack went out of sight, the first battle had been won by them.