Confessions of undersexed teenage forum-posters part IV

"Yu Xin ah! Your mum's here to pick you up!!" Su Hui yelled at the top of her voice.

"Orh! Coming!!" Yuxin replied as she started packing her bag.

Minutes later, she zipped up her bag, slung it over her shoulder and skipped over to her mother.

"Mummy!! Where did you go just now?" She asked gleefully, holding her mother's hand.

"Orh, I went to see TuiPhin's ge1 tai2!! He so handsome!! Hee~" Yu Xin's mother giggled as if she was the daughter.

"Oh.....that's ...great..." Her smile faded as memories came gushing in.

"Is something wrong?"

"Huh, no, nothing, let's go~" YuXin forced a smile and dragged her mother off in the direction of the MRT station.

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As he approached the shop, his heart was pounding, he has never fought before, and he was never taught to fight. All his life, he has lived knowing that fighting is wrong. But on that day, fighting was right, for it was in the name of love.

The bus interchange was crowded, but he could care less. He pushed his way through the crowd and arrived before the remote control shop, Yiyang's remote control shop.

Suhui was carrying her son, trying to pacify him to sleep, while Yiyang was counting stock by the counter, nobody noticed JunHong. There was no sight of YuXin anywhere.

"Bastard, you made yuxin go home early so you can kuai4 huo2 with Suhui eh? I'll show you!"

He walked up to Yiyang, and slammed his head into the wooden counter before he could even look up.

"Stand up and fight you bastard! Stand up! C'mon! You dare to two-time, you dare to fight, c'mon!"

Yiyang stared at his challenger, wiped the blood from the corner of his mouth, and stood up.

"So you're acting tough eh? Well take this bitch" Junhong shouted, and delivered a left hook to Yiyang's cheek.

The scrawny man staggered backward. That wasn't enough for Junhong as he followed up with a barrage of punches and kicks, all deadly and swift.

The crowd had stopped shopping and had gathered, and were cheering for Junhong as he pummelled that rascal to the ground, leaving Suhui and her child crying helplessly at the back.

"That's......for...for...hur...hurting....th..the...love...ofmy life...asshole.." Junhong panted as he stood over a semi-conscious Yiyang whose head resembles a puffer fish after suffering countless blows to the face.

Junhong bent over and lifted Yiyang off the floor by his coller, "If....if...you ever step close to Yuxin again......you're gonna wish I'd killed you today so you wouldn't make that mistake, cos I'm gonna hurt you really...really bad...."

And he threw the loser back onto the ground.

The crowd cheered, and Junhong had won the first battle, what's left to do, is to collect the bride.

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"Yikes!" JunHong yelped as he nearly tripped while alighting the bus, everyone around was staring at the embarrassed man while he tried to regain his balance.

He caught his balance, stood up and pulled his shirt, trying to act as if nothing has happened.

As he approached the shop, his heart was pounding, he has never fought before, and he was never taught to fight. All his life, he has lived knowing that fighting is wrong. But on that day, fighting was right, for it was in the name of love.

The bus interchange was crowded, but he could care less. He pushed his way through the crowd and arrived before the remote control shop, Yiyang's remote control shop.

Suhui was carrying her son, trying to pacify him to sleep, while Yiyang was counting stock by the counter, nobody noticed JunHong. There was no sight of YuXin anywhere.

"Bastard, you made yuxin go home early so you can kuai4 huo2 with Suhui eh? I'll show you!"


He walked up to Yiyang and knocked hard at the table.

Yiyang looked up and smiled, "Junhong? Hi! Long time no see!"

"Err...hi...."

"Su-Su ah! Look who's here" Yiyang turned around and called to Suhui.

"Who?" She put her child down and rushed over to yiyang's side.

Yiyang turned back, but saw no one there. He scratched his head.



As Junhong ran across the interchange, a voice kept chanting in his head, "Damnit, moron, why'd you run away? That wasn't what you planned on the bus!!! Go on! Fight like how you dreamt!"

He shook his head, and kept running.

Music

"Daddy!! I wan listen to Machi Didi song!!" Selore tugged at my pants.

"Dun wan la...listen to Elva, nan2 de2 mummy not at home...can look at her cover...Pretty hor? If only ur mummy look like that.."

"Eeeeeeyeeer....I dun wan listen to that old woman, her songs so old le you still listen..." Selore folded her arms and pouted.

I pressed the play button and carried Selore onto my lap.

"You know...Elva's song....hear le will let you remember alot of things de..."

"Of course la! So old le...."

"Hoi!" This girl's certainly pissing the crap outta me.

"I don't wanna lose you now....I don't wanna lose you~~~" I sang along.

Selore covered her ears and shook her head wildly.

"Daddy sing like frog like that!! Eee!!! I go upstairs pei2 di4 di4 play le, mummy bought him the new power rangers giraffe zord! The neck very long leh!!" She tried to push my arms away.

"You're not going anywhere my dear" I held on and she started struggling but gave up the moment she remembered that her dad's a premium member of California gym and trains 4hours a day.

"Well, let's switch to some music that's more suited for you then..." I pushed the eject button and switched the disc.

"I-O I-O-I-O-I-O-I-O I-O I-O......"

Selore smacked her forehead, "Daddy ah!!! Those three old woman so old le still act cute......why you still like them"

I pushed her head gently, "You then old lah, you know hebe how cute anot...."

"Confirm not as cute as my Machi didi!!!" She replied with a silly grin.

I put her down and gave her butt a soft kick, "He's 26, you lil whore, you're 10, you're waaaay too young to be falling in love now. Shoo!! Run along, or I'll take my black marker and turn your chinese Barbie into a nigger!!"

"sniff...sniff"

Uh-oh, that didn't look good.

"Daddy joking only de kk....dun angry....daddy buy Machi Didi poster for you kk? Shiny shiny plus laminate, and bigbig!!!"

Selore stopped rubbing her eyes and looked up in hope, "How big?"

I stretched my hands to the sides as far out as possible, while trying to hold the tears in my eyes, "This big."

She stopped crying and clapped her hands together with joy, sometimes, I seriously wonder if her tears are real.


Kids...............................better not have em....











A shout came from upstairs,

"FAffy!!!!!Firaffe fe neck duan4 liao3..."

Serious thoughts: What will life be like without.....

1: Chocolate Milk

2: Computers

3: Wheels

4: Pretty actresses

Seriously...unimaginable.

Just for fun.

I felt a tap on my shoulder, could it be her? No, that's impossible. Well, one must never stop hoping.

I turned around, and it was a delightful surprise. There she was, looking down shyly, pressing the tips of her index fingers against each other.

"Well...umm...h..hi..." I can't believe I was stammering. She was the girl of my dreams.

She looked up at me, her gaze was mesmerizing, I couldn't believe this was happening to me, what was she going to say to me? Was she trying to ask me out?

"Well....I'd like to ask...if....." She stopped.

"Is something wrong?" She asked.

Damn, what the hell was I doing, getting lost in my own fantasy and nodding like a fool.

"Nn...nope....s..ss..o....what?" That was the best I could muster.

"Umm..." She blushed even more. "Can I have Zack's number?"

The Moon has just crashed into Earth, no, this can't be, I will not condone this. If she gets her way, it'll be over, dude, you can do this, just say no, a simple no. Yeah I can do this, I'll just say no.

"Sure~"


I'm a jackass.

Confessions of undersexed teenage forum-posters part III

"Oei ftp, another fan letter wor, you've really got a way with those girls!" Exclaimed Junhong, holding a postcard decorated with colourful handwriting.

"Diam lah, must be those aunties trying to play afool." Tuiphin rejected him as he rummaged the room for his sequin jacket.

"Now where did that jacket go..."

"Orh..your power ranger vest ah? You're wearing it lah....wtf.."

Tuiphin looked down and blushed, "So..I've been wearing it all along huh.."

"Seriously, what's wrong with you?You need sex."

Tuiphin shrugged, picked up his briefcase and looked at the postcard Junhong was holding.

"Tear it."

"W...why? From your fan leh?" He was shocked by Tuiphin's request, Tuiphin has been extremely receptive of such affection.

"Read it, and you'll understand." He answered, and stepped out of the room.

Junhong read the postcard and instantly tore it away after reading the first sentence.

"Gosh, those sick malay sluts..."

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"Residents of Tampines! Welcome to tonight's ge1 tai2! And I'm pleased to announce that we have a very very special guest tonight! Guess who!!!!"

The crowd roared and started chanting Tuiphin's name.

The lights on the stage darkened and everyone went silent.

"Tommy and Laura were lovers...."

The spotlight shone on Tuiphin as his alluring voice filled the stage. The crowd was captivated. Ever since young, Tuiphin had been regarded as a child prodigy, but he declined all offers to groom him as a star. Till now, no one knew the reason behind his decision to remain in the Ge1 Tai2 industry.

The song ended with everyone in tears and some ladies on their knees even. That was his charm, at the age of 30, he could capture the heart of women of all ages.

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"WAh Tuiphin, as usual sia, all the girls see you their legs become jelly.."

"Girls your head...all auntie lah" Tuiphin sneered.

"No leh, some of them got bring daughters leh, some really pretty, look like rainie 10 years ago."

Tuiphin stopped in his tracks, and turned around to face Junhong.

Junhong looked at him puzzledly, "Mmm?"

"Eh junhong, last week you jio me go tampines interchange play dota, why u pangseh."

"Cb, I thought you forget le..." Junhong mumbled to himself.

"Oh....I suddenly remembered, I saw Yuxin that day...."

"So what...people already.......bear his child le..." Junhong replied, rubbing his sole on the ground absent-mindedly.

"What the hell're you talking about? Yuxin bear whose child?" This time, it was Tuiphin who has was puzzled.

"Still got who, that bastard YiYang lor." JunHong replied casually.

"Huh? But when I walked past their stall, I saw SuHui feeding YiYang porridge leh, and she left laogong right laogong de."

Junhong looked up at Tuiphin, his eyebrows raised.

Tuiphin smiled, "So...what are you still waiting for..."

"Damnit that jackass, one leg stepping on two boats, I'll have it out with him! You go back yourself k"

With that, he sped away before Tuiphin could utter another word.

"Gosh...that dumbass, here I am trying to hint him that she's single and he actually thought she's his mistress." He gave a sigh and moved on.

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With both hands in his pocket, Tuiphin strolled down the pathway, where the pathway leads to, he doesn't know. He liked strolling aimlessly, and he could only do that when JunHong's around. JunHong was his only true friend, the only one who understood him and cared for him.

Joo Sheng takes advantage of him all the time, Jia Ming's too obsessed with flirting with girls, Anderson's too ugly, Oswald's a pussy, and Salvin has been warded into IMH due to mental breakdown.
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"Oh no, I don't see anyone in sight! Grr....Kitty...jiayou!" Kitty stopped, took off her heels, then continued running down the path.

She finally stopped at the park entrance, where she bent over and tried to catch her breath.

"Gosh....*pants*...I'm sure...I saw him walking in this direction."

"Who?" Asked a voice from behind her.

Kitty gave a start and turned around, to face a smiling Tuiphin.

"You!" She blurted and covered her mouth, realising her blooper.

Tuiphin gave a weak smile, looked into Kitty's eyes, and asked.
"Do you have time? Mind lending me your ear?"

The sparkle in her eyes made the sun look like charcoal in comparison.
"Why....for you..yes..i mean..." She bit her lips again and whispered to herself "Damnit Kitty, you're making a fool outta yourself."

They sat down at a nearby bench.

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Kitty turned and look at Tuiphin, "So what do....oh my god! What's wrong?"

Tuiphin was covering his face with both palms and tears were streaming out from between his fingers, he was crying.

She shook her head and patted him on his back. "C'mon....thing's aren't so bad..."

"Fyesff, ffhey fare....*sniff*" His words were muffled as he spoke with his palms pressing against his lips.

"Well, you can lean on my shoulder....if you want to..." She gently offered.

Tuiphin hesitated for a moment, but leaned on her anyway.

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After what seemed like hours, Tuiphin sat up, raising both hands up to stretch, and yawned. Then he suddenly remembered Kitty, who has fallen asleep as well.

He put his hands down and relaxed, then turned around to face her. And he remembered that he had not taken a good look at her, and she was definitely the prettiest girl he had ever met.


He felt her right cheek with his left hand, running his left index finger along her jawline. Her skin was smooth as silk, and even her slumber looked like quilt. Tuiphin smiled, and pushed her fringe behind her ear.

That woke her up.

"Oops, looks like I fell asleep as well..." She yawned, rubbing her eyes.

"Sorry..did I wake you up?" Tuiphin asked, hand still behind her ear.

"Uhh..no..." She smiled awkwardly, and pushed Tuiphin's hand away.

"Sorry." He blushed.

"It's ok." She smiled.

"Well."

"Well."

They looked at each other, both cheeks red like tomatoes.

"You first."

"You first."

Again, they said it at the same time. They looked at each other again and laughed.

"Alright, I'll go first." Tuiphin said, with a foolish grin.

Kitty nodded.

"You know...you're different from others." He said.

She tilted her head a little to the left with a curious look on her face.

Tuiphin smiled. "You're the first girl, who's made me feel like I'm a normal person."

Kitty raised her eyebrows, "Mmm?"

"Normally, when girls see me, they just pounce on me, ask me for my signature...take photos with me...and that irks me. I love to sing, all I want to do is sing, why must I face so many other irritants? But you, you're different, you're the first who doesn't tell me how much you love me, you just sat down and lent me your shoulder to cry on, and now you're listening to me blabbering about my own problems. And I thank you for that."


Kitty nodded and smiled.

"So.....you aren't very fond of your female fans...are you...."

"Yes, and I especially hate those who got my address through underhand means and flood my mailbox with letters and gifts, I hate that kind of attention, it's so.......fake! So.....superficial!"

She nodded and smiled again. She didn't say anything.
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"Do you believe in love at first sight?" Asked Tuiphin.

Kitty nodded.

"I don't...at least...I didn't...untill now..." Tuiphin added.

She looked at him.

Tuiphin felt his heart racing, he was falling for a girl he barely knew for three hours.

Kitty looked down and started swinging her legs sideways.
"So...did you read the postcard?"

"Postcard?" Tuiphin looked surprised.

"Hmm...You should've received it last night....I made it really colourful so that you'll notice it."

Tuiphin's eyes widened in bewilderment.

"Oh my freaking God! You're that fucking mal...."

She gave him a hard slap before he could finish his line.

"That was swedish you dumbass, it took me a whole night to translate it from English using a small little dictionary, and you thought it was malay?"

With that, she stomped off, leaving her heels behind.

Tuiphin picked up her heels and shouted after her, "Hey your hee....."

"Fuck off!!" She screamed back at him.

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Tuiphin gave up chasing her and looked down at the pair of silver heels he was holding.

"Gosh I don't even know her name......what's this....Cinderella 2016?"

"The clock has struck midnight and the lady has gone home, and the prince, holding the glass shoes in hand, will turn the town upside down...in search of his true love, the one who can fit into the shoes....." Tuiphin smiled to himself.

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The phone rang.

"Yoyoyoyo! Caili in the house yo!" Caili answered the phone.

"Don't be gay, Caili, I need a favour" It was Tuiphin's voice.

"What's up man!"

"Dude are you on crack? It's not Friday afternoon, stop acting like one of em!"

"Sorry..." Replied a calmed Caili.

"I need you to go friendster and help me find a girl."

"Orh, so..what's her name?"

"Don't know."

"Huh...how old is she, where she live? Where she study last time?"

"Don't know."

"Then how you want me to find her? Tell me what you know." Caili was beginning to find the request absurd.

"She's a girl."

"Ok, that helped, now we've cut the list by half."

"She's pretty." Tuiphin replied in a dreamy tone.

"Yes bro! That was the most important link, now I've narrowed the search result to 20!"

"She's...chinese, and her skin very white...very soft....and has waist-long hair"

"Wah, this one also you know, oh I think I found her. Gosh, I never thought this would be so easy, Singapore girls really so hopeless ah..only one skin white white soft soft, got long hair and is pretty." Caili mumbled through the phone.

"So what's her name?" Tui phin was becoming excited.

"Kily Gonzalez" came the reply.

"WHAT?" Exclaimed Tuiphin.

"Kitty Gong." Caili corrected himself.

Tuiphin heaved a sigh of relief and hung up.

"Kitty Kitty....Puppy'll find you no matter where you are." He promised as he held on tightly to the pair of silver heels.

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Confessions of undersexed teenage forum-posters part II

Hi, and today's candidate is....none other than...

Lin Jun Hong!

K....here goes...





Year 2016

Lin Mama: "Hong ah!! Where you going?"

Junhong: "Orh, I going to play dota with Tuiphin, byebye!"

Lin Mama's eyes widened and swung the butcher knife with all her might, splitting the trotters on the chopping board into pieces, sending out a deadly resonance.

Any wastrel son in a right state of mind would scurry off to the lift without a single consideration, and Junhong did just that.

At the age of 30, he was still jobless, penniless and single.

Well...he had a job....but the pay he got didn't justify it as a job, a measly $2.50 an hour for selling remote controls at Toa Payoh Central.

An hour later, Junhong reached Tampines Interchange, which had already been fully air-conditioned as well, in the year 2016.

And as usual, Tuiphin sent Junhong an sms saying he'll be late, and Oswald's still surfing porno at home. So he decided to browse around.


It was supposed to be a casual browse.....but it just happened that Junhong was an observant person and saw what he refused to believe.

A rival remote control shop.

Being the loyal employee that he was (He's been working there for 10 years). He decided to check it out, so he approached the salesgirl.

"Umm..hi..."

The salesgirl, whose back was facing him initially turned around and gave him a friendly smile.

"Yes? Can I hel..JunHong?"


He could've struck ToTo, but no, this was better than ToTo.

"Yu...yu...yu...Xinnn....."

"How've you been?" She asked.

"Well....I.....fine.." He choked on his words.

"Mummy!!!" A squeak came from behind her.

"Oh! I almost forgot! Darling come~ call uncle JunHong"

A small little toddler scrambled forward to Yuxin and leaned against her legs.

"ffnkle gjunhng" He muffled with the pacifier in his mouth.


Junhong could not believe his eyes.

"Is he your...."

Yuxin nodded.


"Looks like me wor..."

"He's YiYang's"

'Holy crap, still that fucker...' Junhong thought to himself.

"Frankly speaking, it's because of him that I left you that day."

Since nothing could revert the current situation, he decided not to hold it anymore.

"Why did you leave me behind and ran off with him?"

"Cos you short mah."

"I grow taller le ..." Junhong replied as though he has been wrongly accused.

"Don't bluff lah, they say short people cannot grow tall even if they go all the way to Beijing."

"So you still selling fake remote controls at that lousy shop ah?" ASked YuXin

"Don't lidat say lah." Replied a blushing Junhong.

"You'll regret it." That was his best shot.

"Won't leh." She gave a quick and cold response, with a smile.

"Chao....." He walked away, trying to suppress all the anguish that had been welling up inside him all these years. She was the reason he's remained single all along.


*camera zooms back at Yuxin's stall*

"Hey yuxin!! Was that Junhong?" Suhui walked up to her, munching on the chocolate waffle she just bought from Q bread.

"Yup!"

"Oh my god!! What did you say to him? Why he look so sad?"

Yuxin shrugged, scooped up the toddler with both her hands and passed him to Suhui.

"Your son hor...really should stop calling everyone mummy, if not next time sure kena kidnapped."

"Choy choy choy..touchwood" Suhui replied with a laugh.

Yuxin smiled, and watched longingly as Junhong faded into the crowd.

The flame that died 17 years ago, had just been reignited.






30minutes later, Tuiphin reached tampines interchange, saw no Junhong, exclaimed a huge "WAH LAO! That fucker! He go mosque issit!"


And went home.

Environmental Conservation

Uh-huh...finally..something serious to talk about.

I've been pondering the past two days. Why? You ask, well, cos I've got nothing better to do.

And what have I learnt?

I've learnt that sitting down and doing nothing but fantacise for 2 whole days is a total wastage of Oxygen.

And therefore, I shall ask of all scientists who're trying to research and develop things that're impossible to develop to try this thing I'm gonna suggest.

And that is.....something like a tampon that we can stuff up one of our nostrils when we have nothing better to do.

Reason: So we'll only take in half the oxygen and therefore waste only half of it when we're doing nothing .


I'm serious.



On a sidenote, if it really happens...make sure it's scented....but pls...no fart smell.

I'll like roast chicken smell...

Or mebbe rotten egg smell for those who're on a diet.




**All thoughts in this post are purely crap and should never EVER be taken into serious consideration be it you're a chinese kid, an indian girl or a malay transvestite (My barberesssss).**


***Only half of the usual amount of Oxygen has been wasted in the process of typing this post due to a timely nose block***